In My Non-Expert Opinion

One time during an interview for an online ESL teaching job, I was told to market myself as an expert so that students would want to take my classes.

Now, I understand that the internet is full of false advertising…people pretending to be more than they are…so there’s pressure to play along with the game in order to compete with all the self-proclaimed superstars out there. Yet although I have over a decade of experience teaching, tutoring, and writing, I still don’t feel comfortable thinking of myself as any sort of expert. Though I’ve written on a daily basis since childhood — journal and blog entries, stories, poetry, you name it — I don’t know if I will ever feel as if I’ve truly mastered the art of writing.

But I guess in the era of influencers, people aren’t interested in fellow laborers — those with significant experience in a craft, but mere mortals nonetheless. No, only expert opinions matter.

Describing myself in such a way feels pretentious, though, so I avoid using labels like that.

“The Problem Is That We Must Live in the Present.”

As Marshall McLuhan mused.

Like McLuhan, I am a person of the literary culture that is based upon the printed word — namely books. Though I grew up in the electronic age, books interested me in my formative years more than movies, pop music, and social media. Maybe that’s part of the reason why I feel out of place in the world.

Today, I doubt McLuhan would have made much of an impression upon the public. Reading his work requires more patience than most of us are willing to expend, now that our minds have been watered down with television, TikTok, and internet articles written for nothing more than SEO purposes. Back in McLuhan’s day, people read in order to seek truth….Now, most people just want entertainment.

Given the choice, I think I would like to have lived from around 1870-1970…from the Victorian era to the development of modernism at the turn of the century, and I’d be gone before postmodernism demolished the collective soul of humanity. Before people were addicted to digital technology. Before people’s minds were ravaged by the mass media. Postmodern society hates truth so much that critical thinkers are called “crazy conspiracy theorists.”

Scientific progress outpaced the growth of wisdom in the past century, and we failed to learn from that mistake. Most likely, the future is going to be a technocratic dictatorship — not the type of society I’d prefer to live in. But of course, I can’t go back in time; I must live in the present, and I must believe that I am meant to live in such a time as this.

Agape

When I see how people long so much for love and acceptance that they spend their lives keeping up an appearance of “perfection” in front of others, I am struck with sadness. For many people, sites like Facebook and Instagram are ways of seeking the approval of “friends” who are really hardly more than strangers. Though social media doesn’t appeal to me, who can’t relate to wanting acceptance and appreciation? Longing to be loved and accepted is an essential part of our nature that’s actually reaching for the love of God and fellowship with others, but this becomes tangled with the pride of our fallen nature.

We spend our lives trying to obtain worth through beauty and accomplishments, outer indications of success as defined by this world. We seek “success” through the opinions of fellow broken creatures, fickle and petty. The few who manage to obtain the appreciation of mankind — celebrities, for example — are they happy? What if a truly successful life looks a bit different?

For weeks, I attempted to find words after the passing of my pastor, Dave Rader…truly, the most authentic man of God I have ever met. Yet how could words possibly capture the essence of that life devoted to God, and the grief of that light no longer physically being in this world? Words, often my dearest friends during difficult times, continue to fail me.

Though I only started attending his church less than a year ago and I only knew Pastor Rader briefly, I am so thankful that we met. Some people have the ability to change us for good, even after a short time. Pastor Rader preached with wisdom that I remember often…simple, never pretentious, always relevant…and he sang with the voice of an angel. The song he sang in church not so long ago is moving even in memory…even more so than the great operas and Broadways. As much as words mean to me, they could never explain that song or that life.

Struck silent since then, I conclude that the deepest truths cannot be expressed in words. They must be known by being lived. Too long I’ve sought “perfection,” the slippery idol of the flesh that seems so noble, yet is only masquerading pride. Pastor Rader never wore the disguise of perfection. In many ways he struggled from the world’s perspective, with poor health and a modest church. Yet I have never known someone so successful in the true sense of the word.

If anyone is in Heaven, Pastor Rader is. He brought countless people to Christ from all walks of life, including a mayor he met during his travels who became a Christian after a single conversation. He welcomed me to his church and never made me feel out of the loop of insiders. He spoke with humor and handled evil with benevolent authority, and I am sure he is seated in Heaven among the great preachers of the past.

Though I fall far short, Pastor Rader changed my heart…and I pray that the way I live reflects not “perfection,” but the mysterious agape love of God.